You might think that you are listening, but in reality, you are just hearing. Why is it such an important skill, yet a lot of people fail to do so?

The greatest leaders have all been great listeners who prioritized trying to understand the opinions of those with whom they didn’t see eye-to-eye. Consider Abraham Lincoln, who invited his political opponents into his cabinet. He reasoned that this would improve the veracity of his decisions. Needless to say, it’s hard to imagine that happening today.

Yet great leaders and wise people intuitively know the value of genuine listening—of laying aside the certainty of their answers and spending more time on the questions, being humble in their knowledge, and being curious about how others view the problems they share. 

Chances are you are currently dealing with tension in at least one relationship, if not many. If you’re in a leadership role, odds are there will almost certainly be people who aren’t on the same page (or may even be actively pulling in another direction.) If so, I have a suggestion. Schedule some time to sit down to hear them out.

Here are seven ways you can listen better:

1. Set Your Intention

People often argue that they are listening when, in fact, they are really just reloading for their “next shot.” So put aside your agenda and concerns and set your intention to listen first to understand, and only then to be understood.  This means really committing yourself to do everything you can to see through their eyes and feel through their heart. That is, elevating your understanding beyond what they are saying to get underneath why they are saying it. If your goal is to “win,” then by default, someone else has to lose. So if you were the high school debating champion, you’re going to have to work doubly hard to resist your desire to jump in and make your counter-argument. 

2. Connect with your common humanity. 

You’ve heard the saying that people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. It’s why creating the psychological safety required for people to open up and share what’s really on their minds and hearts can only happen when you are coming from a place of genuine concern. So while you may not feel you have much in common with the person across from you, take a moment to connect with your common humanity. They also want to feel valued and secure, and they worry about losing face or feeling like a failure. So do what you can to make them feel safe and at ease.  You could help them open up by saying, “I’ve got a feeling that something has been on your mind, and I’d love to know what it is if you’d be open to talking about it. What’s been troubling you?”

3. Listen with your whole body.

Your “way of being” speaks louder than your words (or your silence). So pay attention to your non-verbal communication. Take yourself away, or turn off anything that might distract you. If you can get outside, even better, as shifting the physical space you are in can shift the emotional space, particularly if it’s likely to be a highly emotional conversation.

While it should go without saying, don’t check your watch. And if you’re wearing an Apple Watch and don’t think you’ll be able to resist, take it off! Likewise, keep “soft” eye contact, which means you aren’t staring at them intensely, but you are also not looking out the window or avoiding eye contact. This can feel uncomfortable, as holding eye contact and being truly present with someone connects us to our shared vulnerability. Do it anyway.  And of course, don’t sit there frowning or screwing up your face. Keep an open, non-aggressive posture, leaning toward them rather than away.  If crossing your legs or arms feels natural, that’s fine. Just be mindful of what’s going on inside you so that you aren’t inadvertently communicating disinterest, defensiveness, or, worst of all, disdain.

4. Speak sparingly.

When you’re in the process of listening, it’s important not to cut people off when you think they have it wrong, to push back on what they say, or attempt to “enlighten” them as to the error of their ways. If you’re trying to get someone to speak, you can “prime” a conversation by saying something like, “I’ve got a feeling you and I see this differently. Am I right? I know there’s always more than one perspective.” Or once they are talking, then the only time you should speak is to:

• acknowledge and affirm their experience (e.g., “I get that must have been really tough”),
• clarify you’re on the same page (e.g. “So let me just check, I’ve got this right, you’re saying that…” and
• draw out more information (e.g. “So what happened before that?” “Can you expand on that a little?” or “Why did they do that?”)

5. Listen for what’s left unsaid.

As they share, listen for what they are not willing or able to say out loud. What are the “unspoken concerns” (fears, motivations, wants, and needs) they are speaking from? For instance, are they anxious about the future and how they’ll handle it? Are they afraid of being left behind? Are they trying to protect their job or their ego? Are they too afraid to ask? Are they feeling unvalued? Are they scared of rejection or being humiliated in public? Are they craving affirmation or encouragement?

6. Tune into your intuition.

The deepest level of listening goes beyond relying on what you hear or see. It requires tuning in to your intuition and letting it point you toward whatever you really need to get present with in the other person.  Our intuition allows us to read minuscule signals that lie outside of our conscious awareness. When you tune in to that quiet “sixth sense” and get really present with the person you’re with, you can pick up on concerns and anxieties that may even be beyond their conscious awareness.

7. Allow silence.

Ironically enough, the word “LISTEN” has the same letters as the word “SILENT.” (Bet you didn’t know that, huh?) It’s in the silence of a conversation that it can get to the heart of the issue that really needs to be addressed, yet too often we fill the silence to avoid the discomfort it can create. Don’t. Let the silence do its work because the more sensitive an issue, the more space people need to think about it, work through their own conflicting feelings, and find a way to express what they have to say.

Of course, listening to someone better than you have before may not change your opinion. However, it may give you a whole new appreciation for why others see, think, feel, and act quite differently than you. By genuinely trying to see through their eyes and understand how they feel, you place a big deposit into the “relationship account,” which can open the door to building bridges, growing collaboration, and finding a’middle ground’ that you could otherwise not. Arrr…imagine if we had more of that in Washington?

Listening is the single most valuable yet underutilized tool of communication. It is, in itself, an act of courage, as it requires allowing for the possibility that maybe our view of the world isn’t quite as leak-proof as we’d like to think. Yet by having that courage, it builds trust, magnifying our ability to have greater influence over the opinions of others.

Winston Churchill once said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” Given all the political turmoil we’re currently in, there’s never been a better time to be more deliberate in trying to understand those who see the world differently from you. Your ears will never get you into trouble, and, who knows, you may just learn something that changes everything.